Today I have been flooded with emotions.
It took me being in a relationship, committing to it, moving to another state, and moving in with them to realize it was not what I needed or wanted. That is unfortunate, because I never wanted to toy with their emotions. But I was not happy and I needed a change. I broke off the relationship and moved to a completely new state and have been since been flooded with realizations and the remarkable feeling that a weight has been lifted from me.
For years I thought I understood what it was to like, love, need, and want someone. I thought I understood the basic structure of relationships. And I didn't know anything.
I think I started using people, without realizing. I was constantly searching for comfort in someone- in anyone. If I felt attracted to someone, it wasn't long before I fabricated an interest in them. I think more than anything else I just wanted someone to care, someone to be around, someone to show me affection. It became something I needed, and I believe it is linked to my father leaving when I was in middle school. I think I felt as though I was missing something; that I was lacking attention in some way and so I kept myself busy with infatuation. It was my fix for the part of me that was broken. I constantly sought out someone to care for me because I didn't know how to care for myself. I thought that someone else caring for me somehow validated me and made me more whole. And I could not have been more wrong.
About a year and a half ago I came upon the realization that compatibility in a relationship goes far beyond getting along and being attracted to each other. Two people can enjoy each others company, trust in each other fully, be attracted to each other, and a variety of things and they could still not be compatible for dating/marriage/childrearing. It was something I spoke to a friend about extensively; I understood that we are getting older and when it comes to being exclusive and/or dating, there are a variety of things to take into consideration because we are essentially planning for a future and this person will be there.
I am not sure when I forgot that, but I fell for someone who was not compatible with me. We managed to stay together for over a year, but it wasn't the type of relationship I needed. And now I am seeing all of my unhealthy habits and I know that in order to have a meaningful honest relationship in the future, I need to be alone for a while.
I want to know that when I tell someone that I like that, and even that I love them, that it's real. I don't want to be clouded by sex or by attraction at all. I want to know what I need and I want to know what I'm even looking for.
I need to be a whole person on my own and I need to love myself. I need to work, finish my degree, spend time with friends and family, save money, and get to know myself all over again before I'll be ready to share my life with anyone. I need to be stronger and happier before I let someone else in. And I could not be more excited for this journey. I'm not sure what format I'll write in. It seems like diary type entries would be adequate but I don't know what I'll do.
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