The more days I am here in North Carolina, the more sure I am that this is the right thing for me.
Yesterday I handed in a resume at a shop I'm dying to work at and set up an interview on Sunday. I also went by the college I'm wanting to finish my degree at and git more information about it. Things are going to be good here, I know it.
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
Friday, May 9, 2014
5/8/14
Today was my first day living in North Carolina. My grandma is in town for Mother's Day and I spent the day with her and my mom. This is my first time with them both while being included in adult conversations. My grandma lives in California, so we haven't all been together in a while. I feel like we never stopped talking, all day. It was wonderful.
We got lunch this afternoon, and then went to the mall to walk around and window shop together. They helped me go out of my comfort zone today when picking out clothing items to try on, and it was a nice feeling. I bought items I would not have bought if I had been alone, simply because I didn't think I could pull them off. That was a big thing for me today; just getting out of my comfort zone and that's the kind of thing I want a note of.
I also moved some things into my room today and made it more homelike for me. It's going to take more time to make it what I want it to be, but I am just so thankful to have the opportunity to be here right now and to have the chance to just grow.
Today was my first day living in North Carolina. My grandma is in town for Mother's Day and I spent the day with her and my mom. This is my first time with them both while being included in adult conversations. My grandma lives in California, so we haven't all been together in a while. I feel like we never stopped talking, all day. It was wonderful.
We got lunch this afternoon, and then went to the mall to walk around and window shop together. They helped me go out of my comfort zone today when picking out clothing items to try on, and it was a nice feeling. I bought items I would not have bought if I had been alone, simply because I didn't think I could pull them off. That was a big thing for me today; just getting out of my comfort zone and that's the kind of thing I want a note of.
I also moved some things into my room today and made it more homelike for me. It's going to take more time to make it what I want it to be, but I am just so thankful to have the opportunity to be here right now and to have the chance to just grow.
This is only the beginning.
Today I have been flooded with emotions.
It took me being in a relationship, committing to it, moving to another state, and moving in with them to realize it was not what I needed or wanted. That is unfortunate, because I never wanted to toy with their emotions. But I was not happy and I needed a change. I broke off the relationship and moved to a completely new state and have been since been flooded with realizations and the remarkable feeling that a weight has been lifted from me.
For years I thought I understood what it was to like, love, need, and want someone. I thought I understood the basic structure of relationships. And I didn't know anything.
I think I started using people, without realizing. I was constantly searching for comfort in someone- in anyone. If I felt attracted to someone, it wasn't long before I fabricated an interest in them. I think more than anything else I just wanted someone to care, someone to be around, someone to show me affection. It became something I needed, and I believe it is linked to my father leaving when I was in middle school. I think I felt as though I was missing something; that I was lacking attention in some way and so I kept myself busy with infatuation. It was my fix for the part of me that was broken. I constantly sought out someone to care for me because I didn't know how to care for myself. I thought that someone else caring for me somehow validated me and made me more whole. And I could not have been more wrong.
About a year and a half ago I came upon the realization that compatibility in a relationship goes far beyond getting along and being attracted to each other. Two people can enjoy each others company, trust in each other fully, be attracted to each other, and a variety of things and they could still not be compatible for dating/marriage/childrearing. It was something I spoke to a friend about extensively; I understood that we are getting older and when it comes to being exclusive and/or dating, there are a variety of things to take into consideration because we are essentially planning for a future and this person will be there.
I am not sure when I forgot that, but I fell for someone who was not compatible with me. We managed to stay together for over a year, but it wasn't the type of relationship I needed. And now I am seeing all of my unhealthy habits and I know that in order to have a meaningful honest relationship in the future, I need to be alone for a while.
I want to know that when I tell someone that I like that, and even that I love them, that it's real. I don't want to be clouded by sex or by attraction at all. I want to know what I need and I want to know what I'm even looking for.
I need to be a whole person on my own and I need to love myself. I need to work, finish my degree, spend time with friends and family, save money, and get to know myself all over again before I'll be ready to share my life with anyone. I need to be stronger and happier before I let someone else in. And I could not be more excited for this journey. I'm not sure what format I'll write in. It seems like diary type entries would be adequate but I don't know what I'll do.
It took me being in a relationship, committing to it, moving to another state, and moving in with them to realize it was not what I needed or wanted. That is unfortunate, because I never wanted to toy with their emotions. But I was not happy and I needed a change. I broke off the relationship and moved to a completely new state and have been since been flooded with realizations and the remarkable feeling that a weight has been lifted from me.
For years I thought I understood what it was to like, love, need, and want someone. I thought I understood the basic structure of relationships. And I didn't know anything.
I think I started using people, without realizing. I was constantly searching for comfort in someone- in anyone. If I felt attracted to someone, it wasn't long before I fabricated an interest in them. I think more than anything else I just wanted someone to care, someone to be around, someone to show me affection. It became something I needed, and I believe it is linked to my father leaving when I was in middle school. I think I felt as though I was missing something; that I was lacking attention in some way and so I kept myself busy with infatuation. It was my fix for the part of me that was broken. I constantly sought out someone to care for me because I didn't know how to care for myself. I thought that someone else caring for me somehow validated me and made me more whole. And I could not have been more wrong.
About a year and a half ago I came upon the realization that compatibility in a relationship goes far beyond getting along and being attracted to each other. Two people can enjoy each others company, trust in each other fully, be attracted to each other, and a variety of things and they could still not be compatible for dating/marriage/childrearing. It was something I spoke to a friend about extensively; I understood that we are getting older and when it comes to being exclusive and/or dating, there are a variety of things to take into consideration because we are essentially planning for a future and this person will be there.
I am not sure when I forgot that, but I fell for someone who was not compatible with me. We managed to stay together for over a year, but it wasn't the type of relationship I needed. And now I am seeing all of my unhealthy habits and I know that in order to have a meaningful honest relationship in the future, I need to be alone for a while.
I want to know that when I tell someone that I like that, and even that I love them, that it's real. I don't want to be clouded by sex or by attraction at all. I want to know what I need and I want to know what I'm even looking for.
I need to be a whole person on my own and I need to love myself. I need to work, finish my degree, spend time with friends and family, save money, and get to know myself all over again before I'll be ready to share my life with anyone. I need to be stronger and happier before I let someone else in. And I could not be more excited for this journey. I'm not sure what format I'll write in. It seems like diary type entries would be adequate but I don't know what I'll do.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)